My Story of Recovering from Abuse

This story will begin where the other left off.
I decided to share my recovery story since I shared my abuse story.

I want other women to know that there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and leaving an abuser can end up being the best thing that you ever do for yourself and your children.

Yes, the light came but it didn't come from me, it came from my daughter. She had figured out that her father would never change. I had no idea of how sick I had become until he finally left. After he was taking away, I finally had time to think. At first I was really upset. Not at my situtation but because I knew that he was so angry. I knew what he was capable of when angry, so my main concern was to try to ensure that he did not stay angry.

That was all I could think of. It became my main goal. I asked my father to bring him a letter, I asked my mother to call him, I even paid his brother to go and talk to him. My main concern was ensuring that he was not getting angry.
That was where all my focus was on.

Bad sign, eh?

He evenutally calmed down and once that happened, "The Dance" began again. I was sure that this time he had changed. He sounded so different. He said all the right words. He said he realized his mistakes, he wanted to make it up to the children. So, I had a talk with my daughter. I told her that her father had changed. She looked at me with these blue clear eyes and said "Mom, dad isn't going to change!". That shocked me, so I explained again that if he had professional counselling that he would change. She repeated the same remark. I tried a third and fourth time to convince her that her father could change. With each attempt, she became more emphatic about him not changing. On my last try, she looked deep into my eyes and said the same thing again and suddenly I could see the light in her eyes. I realized then, that what my daughter already knew, was true. Her father would never change, and he had no desire to change. It was then I realized that this was not just a separation, this was forever. Abuse affects everyone and I don't think the victims know that they too have become sick. After years of listening to the yelling, the put downs, the name callings and more - see the types of abuse and the behaviors, you eventually believe it. Suddenly you no longer feel worthwhile, you feel you are stuck and you still think you're in love. I've heard so many women tell me with swollen black eyes "But I love him and he will change!".

God, I sure hope she discovers what love is before she dies.

Love shouldn't hurt - love isn't painful - love is the greatest emotion and the most wonderful one.

What we sometimes think love is - really isn't. We say we love someone and stay because of that love but in reality we stay out of fear. Fear of not knowing what is on the other side. We know what we've got - but fear of the unknown can make us stay when we should leave.

I'm telling you this - so that if you are abused - you won't fear the other side.

I'm here now and I can tell you - it's beautiful, peaceful and the way life was meant to be.

Because of the circumstances around my youngest, I had to attend counselling. This didn't bother me but apparently it bothered the social worker. She wasn't impressed that my story was so terrible and yet I told it like I was going through a grocery list - no emotions, no tears, nothing except the facts.


She suggested I go to an Abuse Group. I thought it was stupid because what could I learn about abuse that I already didn't know. I know what a beating felt like and I also knew that he was gone so there would be no more abuse.

I agreed to go and was amazed at how much we all had in common.
Not many of us started out really opening up. We took it slow as we needed to develop trust to feel safe to share. What I did learn was really amazing.

I learned that we all remembered every beating but not one of us could remember when the "words got through".

By this statement I mean that the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse that goes hand in hand with psyhcial, had finally broken each of us down so that we gave up the will to fight back. I just don't mean physcially fight back...I mean not to let the words get to us or to believe them.

Eventually, the words did get through to each of us - but we could not recall when. I now know that it's a slow process that takes it's toll over time, and they had lots of time to finally end up making us believe all the things they said ie. "You're lucky to have me - no one else would want you","You are nothing without me and could never make it without me","You don't have any rights - I'm the boss and you are nothing"(Sound familiar?) and more but I'm sure you get the message. The words finally got into us and we finally believed them.

So I had to learn to be assertive, to believe in myself and to gain back my self-esteem and confidence. It wasn't easy. The road was hard as each time I tried to be assertive, all my kids would sabotage it by over ruling it....just like their father had done.

I finally realized that although I was changing, they weren't. I was going for help to learn new behaviors but they weren't.

The hardest decision in my life was to have to tell the oldest 3 children to move out. They didn't take me seriously, so I left the home and moved out with the youngest.

I didn't stand a chance with the way things were. I needed to continue to change and I couldn't do it surrounded by people wanting to continue the cycle.

I continued therapy for another year and then felt I was ready to startback on the dating scene. Not quite the answer but I needed the practise.*S*

I had no idea where to begin and at this time I had found an article showing that they had two new telephone dating services...FREE for women but the men had to pay. I thought "What did I have to loss"? Nothing!!

So, I placed a voice ad with my description and what I wanted.
Boy, the next few months were unbelievable. I talked to thousands of men...all looking for Ms. Right. Some had been divorced and some were single.

Here is where I started to see some of the dysfunctions that my marriages and childhood had caused. I had tests for all the men to pass but in reality there was no way to pass them. They would all ask the same thing - what do I look like, etc. and then proceed to tell me what they looked like. I realized then that I had lost my imagination. I could not form a picture of what their description would look like. It didn't matter anyway because I would never believe them anyway. They all seemed to be gorgeous men who wanted all the things I wanted and felt that they all had the qualities I was looking for. I met over 500 men and not one of them had the qualites that I was looking for but then again, I can't be sure because I would meet them stating that it was a mere coffee meeting to see if there was anything there to go futher. So in my mind - they were already disqualified. Sometimes they'd ask me how come I never asked any questions and then I always had two different questions that would eliminate them from being prospective partners.

1) "What lives inside You?" since most of the men seemed interested more in my looks than what I had to offer - I asked this to see if they were at a point where they knew themselves enough and could be honest enough to know what and who they were. This disqualified anyone who ever got asked because not one of them could answer it.

The reason I highlighted the first question is in hopes that if you see it - you may ask yourself that same question.....do you know what lives inside of you? It's very important for everyone to know what lives inside of them. This is who we are, what we are and all we will become. This is the first step on the journey to recovery. Not just what lives inside of you, but can you be honest about what lives inside of you. That's really important. Many people can look in the mirror and see what they are, but they can't be honest about that. They keep it hidden.

My second best disqualifier was.
"Okay, I told you what I look like and what I weigh but how do you know I was honest about that?"
I didn't expect a guy to believe anything I said - that was foolish because I never believed what they said. But I did expect to meet someone who was smart enough to know if I was telling the truth after spending 2 hours talking. Because I could tell everything about every guy just by rambling and talking for a few hours. It was easy to pick up their qualities and their flaws.

I finally did met someone and the reason he is a part of my life now is because he wouldn't play my games. He refused to follow my guidelines about meeting and only having coffee.

After I met him, we both knew that this was meant to be. Somehow our meeting was very strange and a lot of weird things happened that never happened before.

We both believe that it was a "Godincidence". We were meant to be together, we were soul mates and we had finally found each other.

I continued therapy. I found a really good therapist because Doug and his ex had used him for marriage counselling several times, and he recommened him. He is fantastic. He's a specialist in Alcoholism and Family Dysfunctions and also an Adult Child of an Alcoholic - term is A.C.O.A.

I had done lots of homework on my own while attending counselling before so I knew the roles and the dysfunctions I was displaying. I also knew that I had buried all my emotions and that through therapy they were suddenly starting to surface. I finally had emotions but they weren't nice ones.

Apparently if you bottle up your emotions - when they do decide to re-surface- and they will - there is no controlling them.
It was explained to me that it was like a boiling pot on the stove. It bubbles away for a while but suddenly when enough heat is supplied it really bubbles and sometimes it bubbles so hard that it lifts the lid and starts to spill over. Any cook will know what I mean. Well, my emotions were like that. Suddenly they were bubbling over and I couldn't stop or control them.

I had been the strong one of the family. I never cried and was known for that. Suddenly, now I cried at everything and anything and sometimes for no reason at all.

It didn't take much to bring my emotions to the surface, but it took alot of work to get them under control.

Sometimes even now if a button from the past is pushed - old tapes start to replay and I start behaving dysfunctionally again. This is normal for recovery, but playing all the old tapes sure makes you aware of how dysfunctional I once was and how I am now.

I love the new me. I still have to work on some of my issues. It seems as soon as I get one issue resolved, another surfaces and I have to deal with that one.

The cycle never ends, but then again - "Recovery is a journey not a destination".
(a quote from my therapist, Dr. T. Wilson)

It takes a lifetime to work on yourself as perfection is unattainable, so we must settle for the best we can be.

So, if you are an abused woman, or know one. Please print out my story and share it with her. Show her there are ways out but she'll need to do some work. But that work will pay off in spades. She'll finally find happiness and peacefulness. The journey is well worth the pay off.

Let her know that you understand and will support and help her in any way you can. Being abused is not only physically damaging but emotionally as well. Let her know that you care and let her know there is help out there for her. She can get well and her life will be exactly what she dreamed it was to be like as a young girl.

My life is now exactly like the picture I had thought it would be like when I was young and tried to imagine who I'd marry and what he'd be like; what my life would be like; how I'd be so in love that I would finally find what I needed; and to also find someone who would love me - unconditionally because that's what love is - unconditional. My imagination is slowly returning and Wow, it sure is funny to be able to create a picture in one's mind. I have not been able to do that since I was a child. It's great now though.

I have all that now and so can any other abused wife if she gets help. And if she doesn't want to do it for herself....tell her she'd better do it for her children because the cycle of abuse is not broken very easily...it needs therapy and new programming.

If she doesn't want to see her children grow up to be abusers or to watch her daughter in abusive relationships - then the need for therapy is how you can stop and break the cycle.

Set an example. It's never too late. My oldest children haven't gone for help yet, but when the time comes that they realize they need it - they'll remember who did it and did it for them as well as myself. I always tell them that they need help but each one of us must decide for ourselves when that will be.

They haven't decided that now is the time, but when they do decide that it is the time, I will be here for them - to help them, to support them and to guide them. I'll always be here to love them and they know that.

Good luck to all abused women and please speak up and say what is going on.

Face your life and get the help you need for you and your children. Best of Luck!!



So if you are an abused wife and recognize these situations and the events...know there is help and if you ever ever need someone to talk to....email me and I'll be happy to help you in any way.
Click on the E-mail Sign.

I'll answer right away. Don't continue on your journey to abuse....get off that train and board another called "Peace and Tranquility".

You will see a lot of poems and sayings on this site regarding growth, awareness,and the journey to wellness. It all started with my own journey to heal and get well myself.

If you are planning on leaving, please do not forget to sign our guestbook. Thanks! I've made it real easy. There is a link on every page as a reminder.